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Friday, May 30, 2008

9. African-American Ministers

It is certainly no secret that BP love their ministers.  They affectionately refer to them as "Reverend".  There have been a few important black men who have enjoyed celebrity status in American culture as "Reverend".  The most prominent are Reverend Jesse Jackson, Reverend Al Sharpton and most recently Reverend Jerimiah Wright.

While it is not a hidden fact that these are some revered reverends, what remains under wraps is that every few years, our sources say, BP hold a secret election and a Reverend is elected to be the Emperor of Black People.   This is in contrast to the electoral college and election antics that precede the event in white America.  The BP have embraced a system of secrecy in the election process, so outsiders cannot taint the process.  There is no mail, no television commercials, no internet advertisements, no newspaper articles.  BP just know, without any intervention, that it is time to elect the new Emperor.

Most recently, Reverend Jerimiah Wright emerged as the new Emperor of Black People.  If you recall this happened overnight, and by great surprise to the American people as a whole.  Our sources are still unsure of when the previous sitting Emperor, Reverend Al Sharpton, abdicated the throne; but there are suspicions that the recent run-in with the law was enough cause dissent and BP decided to hold another secret election.

From what we can tell, only those with the title of Reverend are eligible to hold this office.  This explains why Barack Obama decided to run for President instead, and why Bill Cosby was never eligible; back when he was still considered field-ready and not in the house.

So congratulations to the new Emperor of Black People, Reverend Jerimiah Wright, on this festive occasion.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

8. Caps and hats

Is there really anything that can cover a black persons afro quite like a well-fitting cap or hat?  Sometimes a head covering is necessary when that sheen that results from the mound of pomade that is applied is just plain insufficient to protect a brotha or a sista from the elements from which we are exposed.  Some dressier BP prefer a Kangol while some of the more casual moments call for a more relaxed look like this baseball cap pictured.  And if it is a baseball cap, it must be a New Era Cap as to avoid confusion with the Twins Franchise Cap that is the staple of the white fratboy.

It is preferable to leave the stickers on the New Era Cap intact as proof of purchase and to dispel the myth that BP are given to thievery.  While proudly displaying this cap on top of one's afro, the stickers are visible to all in sight and passerby will certainly remark what a fine cap you are wearing, and that the wearer must be gainfully employed to afford such luxury.

The cap cannot be worn with the bill over both eyes at any time, as this is a big fashion mistake and will call for intervention by the fashion police.  As all BP know, police of any type are a nuisance and not worthy of trust or respect, even fashion police.  The cap must be work cockeyed or backward, and it is perfectly acceptable to wear a doo-rag under the cap to protect the fine wool from the pomade worn in the hair.  The bill of the cap must never be curved or bent in a fashion that could be used to block sunlight from the sides.  It must remain perfectly flat and worn just above the eyebrow.

The design of the cap itself, must either be authentic as the professionals wear on the field of play, or a very busy design such as worn in hip hop fashion.  If ever a situation arises where a BP is unable to choose a cap, a consultation with the local haberdasher may be recommended.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

7. Bill Cosby

Black people absolutely love Bill Cosby.  Although he is regarded as a leader among the black community, the irony is that Bill Cosby, aka Heathcliff Huxtable, hates most black people.

Some of the things Bill Cosby hates about young black people are:  

1. Wearing the seat of the trousers below the level of the hips, knows as "saggin' yo draws".
2. Enjoying rap music, unless it is rated G and performed by someone benign, such as Will Smith.
3. Lackadaisical approach to parenting.
4. Using foul language.
5. Skipping school and high dropout rate.
6. High rate of illiteracy.
7. Black teen pregnancy.
8. Black on black violence.

So after naming all the things that "The Coz" hates, it is easy to see that he doesn't like brothas and sistas perpetuating the stereotype.  So to turn this whole culture of young black youth around and put them on the straight and narrow, Cosby is going to release his very own CD.  As much as Cosby detests hip-hop his new CD is going to be just that.  State of Emergency is the title and it will portray Cosby as the Pied Piper leading the black youth of today back to Mayberry.

In spite of "The Coz's" disgust with young black people, he still deserves a place on our list of shizzle that black people dig.  You go, Coz, you rap...er..I mean you rock.

Monday, April 28, 2008

6. Grape Soda

As much as BP enjoy a frosty malt liquor, such as Mickey's Bigmouth, some BP are forced to choose another drink because:

1.  They are under the age of 16 and cannot enjoy an alcoholic beverage.

2. They are imprisoned.

3. They frequent church and can only sneak a sip of malt liquor now and then, and cannot keep malt liquor on hand in case the reverend shows up for a donation.

4. The Government wont let you buy malt liquor with food stamps.

So the next choice for a BP to wet the tongue and tease the lips is a bubbly grape soda, like these in the picture.  BP really aren't specific in their brand choice, as they will often choose whatever is the cheapest.  BP are born with an innate taste preference for grape sodas among other favorite tastes, which may be featured in later posts.

One can see grape soda flowing freely at functions like family reunions, swap meets, stoop sitting, corner hanging, after-church dinners and pretty much wherever you see a gathering of BP.

The preference for the taste of grape soda also has then benefit of allowing a seamless transition to enjoying alcoholic beverages.  It is easier to acquire a taste for grape flavored Mad Dog after a lifetime of drinking grape soda.  This climb up the ladder of drink preferences occurs around age 10 and ensures that by the late teenage years, one will be able to handle a malt liquor.

If you have a black friend over for dinner, be sure to have some ice-cold grape soda on hand and you will have made a friend for life.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

5. Hoodies

The attire of choice for BP, especially young BP on the street is a hoodie.  There are several important advantages to wearing a hoodie.

1. Hiding:  With a simple motion, a hood can be pulled up and over the head to disguise and help conceal the identity of a BP.  Some hoodies even have a zipper that can completely cover the face and allow the BP to see by looking out two mesh holes.

2. Warmth:  90 percent of body heat is lost from the head.  A hoodie can cover the head to help a BP stay warm when out in the elements.  While white people prefer L.L. Bean earmuffs, or a head band from The North Face, a BP simply prefers a hoodie to keep warm and distinguish him/her self from white yuppies.

3. Style:  Nothing says "gangsta" like a hoodie.  A BP can feel like a man of mystery when wearing a hoodie.  If a hoodie is of a particular brand, or if pulled off of another BP who got a beat down, a hoodie can be a sign of "respeck" in the community.

With these advantages, it is easy to see why BP can't go wrong with wearing a hoodie.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

4. Gold Teef

Why wear bling when you can be bling?  BP wear gold teeth as a sign of wealth or status.  Some gold teeth even come with precious gems embedded within individual teeth.  Even if you can't see the gold teeth, you can tell a BP is wearing the gold teeth by the slurring and loose saliva that moves behind the teeth and over the gums, it is a noticeable slurping sound that cannot be mistaken for more than a few possible things.  This audible slurp means that grandma has a strawberry seed stuck in her dentures, a prepubescent child has a new retainer or a BP be blingin' wit' some gol' teef up in here, yo.

School age BP that are not making money and cannot afford gold teeth have been known to wear aluminum foil over their teeth, tolerating the excruciating shocking sensations that come from aluminum foil in the mouf (mouth) just to look like they be blingin'.

Word on the street is that yellow gold is the most popular color choice for making teeth.  Many thanks to goldteeth dot com for the picture of these fine teefs.

3. Got my Glock cocked

Black people love firearms, especially brothers and sisters who live in urban areas.  When it comes to firearms for the discriminating black person, only a Glock will do.  Now the run of the mill, factory fresh Glock isn't street ready when taken out of the box.  The sights need to be adjusted to comply with the needs of the BP.

For the most accurate firing of the Glock pistol, or gat (sing.)  or gatz (pl.) the gun must be rotated on its axis 90 degrees, counter-clockwise if you are the holder of the gun, otherwise known as "da trigga man".  This rotation toward the medial aspect of the holder's body ensures decreased accuracy; in a trade-off for better recoil control.  

This holding method promotes the rationale is that it is more fun to shoot a target or rival gang member multiple times with low accuracy, then humanely doing so in one fell swoop with accuracy.  This allows the target to run or crawl away after being hit or grazed, thereby making the shooting more exciting with a chance to make it out of there alive for the target.

This rotation is not a learned but an inherent behavior for BP when holding a gun, because even when the sites are on top of the gun, as the factory places them, the BP will still rotate the gun.  The sites are likely used only minimally as BP develop a skill in what is known as point shooting.

In addition to firing the gat, the BP will often times yell, "rat-a-tat-tat"  or "pop-pop-pop" as the gun is fired in an effort to feel as one with the gat.  The BP will also wave the gun and point its barrel at a person emphatically to intimidate that person when engaged in unpleasant conversation.

Handling a gat well, is sure to buy loads of "Streed Cred" for an ambitious BP who is trying to make a name and earn, "respeck".  Only "representin" oneself with confidence and along with a gat or a couple gatz can a BP climb to the top of the hood ladder.

The Glock post applies to only BP in the U.S. as BP on continents like Africa prefer machetes, which they too hold sideways.